I am His.

So wow, um. Where to start? I’ve just gotten home from a conference at my church and had a bit to share. So much was said but I must admit I was struggling to focus tonight. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately and I just find it really easy to be distracted. Sitting there, half paying attention and half wondering what I will do next week I didn’t feel a strong sense of ‘Wow, I’m meant to be hearing this’. I'm sure some of you can relate. But anyway, the message was drawing to an end and Ian (le speaker from Sydney) asked the music team to play. That meant I had the leave the comfort of sitting back where no one could see what I was doing to standing on stage. Being on the stage I couldn’t fiddle as much and I started to focus a little more. What was actually being said? What should I be taking away from tonight?

After playing a little bit there was the typical Pentecostal alter call, and I say that with respect! I love the alter calls, but they really are typical. So yes. Ian said those who want healing come and stand on the stage right, those who just want a touch from God, come to stage left and those who are really struggling with something, standing in the middle. I was starting to feel like I should be down there, on stage left. To be honest, I’ve felt a bit like part of my faith has been an act to please the church more than me being honest, but then again, that’s what I feel like life is at times. Ian turned and look at those on the music team and told us that if we felt like we were meant to be down the front to just go. I went.

Standing there, stage left, I started thinking again. I realised something with these thoughts though. Guess what? I'm scared of eternity. I mean, half my friends aren’t Christian so to me eternity means leaving them behind. Means I’ll be in heaven with God and they’ll be lost wandering around in hell to say the least. How can I let that happen? Safe to say, tears starting coming. Just standing there, crying, I kept thinking and thinking. Looking around I saw people being healed from everything and anything! I saw my friends and my church praying together. I realised I felt like I wasn’t worthy of being there. Wasn’t worthy to call myself God’s child. Wasn’t worthy of being myself.

Pastor Hans (le Source Church senior pastor) was making he was over to me and Rachel. He prayed for us both about being God’s hand maidens but then he turned to me and (this is paraphrased) said:

                “ You can be yourself. You don’t have to try to be someone you’re not”

Heavy hitting, isn’t it? But what was heavier was just after he left this lovely Lady called Bev (she’s from some Baptist church) came over and asked if she could pray for me. Smiling faintly, I nodded at her. Taking my hands in hers she prayed. Openly and honestly, her words were those of asking and seeking. Then turning her words towards me she told me (again, paraphrasing it a bit here):

                “Don’t let your family define you.

                  Don’t let your musician ship define you.

                  Don’t let your academics define you.

                  Don’t let your future aspirations define.

                  Do let the knowledge that you are God’s child define you.

                  Do let the words he calls you define you.

                  Do let his purpose for you define you.”

Wow, just wow. I realised that I do let what others say have a greater input in my life than it should. First and foremost I am a child of God, I need to be living that identity before I let anything define who I am.

Once I was home I decided to make a stand for myself. I took out one of my numerous notebooks and starting writing. I wrote the lies I have let myself believe. I wrote the lies I have let into my mind, in to my identity. Then, I burnt that list. I watched as the paper turned to ash and the words vanished. Grabbing a clean sheet of paper I started a new list. Writing down what God says about me. Writing down what I should let defines me. This list is folded into a crane and sitting on my desk as a reminder that with God is my identity and in it I can “fly free”.