A Story of Life...

So I've been reading all my old documents recently and I came across my journal from when I was 15. I know it's only just over a year old, but I feel so different to the girl who wrote the words I read. Most of it was written when I was in a mood so it makes me sound rather depressed, but in reading it I can see my journey and where its taken me from. A while ago I was asked to speak at my youth. I had 7 minuets to tell me story. Nervous and all that, I did. Now I'm sharing it here too.

The story starts in 2009 for us, truth is it starts in 1996 but today it shall start from 2009. Enter our main character, 12 years young, strong spirited and carefree. She doesn’t care what others think or perceive about her. But as the year saw her grow in age, it saw her change. Before  her 13^th, that care-freeness was gone. Numerous reasons created this; peer pressure, rejection,  friends,  the desire to fit in. These reasons were adapting the way she thought. Instead of not caring what others thought, our girl now cared about what people expected her to be, she wanted to be like. To manage that, around one peer group she was quiet, modest and helpful. Round the next: loud, adventurous and outgoing. In these changes, she was lost. What is even worse, she lost who God wanted her to be.  This was the start, the bud. 

2010 started with her and a few friends, but no-one overly close.  This just increased the pressure and desire to fit in. She knew there were inside jokes about her, she felt hurt by them. Her life was about trying to be someone people would like. It wasn’t a healthy. She wanted to know what people thought and it ate her happiness. Those closest to her, in blood and bond, seemed to jeer at her and join in the jokes, cutting her deeper than any knife could. I shall go on with the story in just one minute, first I would like to say that at this stage she wasn’t overly close with God.  Sure, she had grown up in the supportive Christian home. She knew God was real, yet she wasn’t at all close with him. He didn’t matter and what he thought didn’t matter.  She just kept changing for others, the bloom of the bud.

At the end of 2010 her life was vastly different to when we started. Her thoughts had crippled her to true happiness.  However, this year saw the first foot hold slip. Christmas 2010 was when she looked back and realised others didn’t define her. Yes, they treated her like dirt at times, but why should she care? She’s not them, and will never be, so why act like them? Instead of searching for their acceptance she started to leave them behind, putting her faith back to God.

Welcome to 2011. She didn’t really have a close friendship with anyone (hindsight: there were people there, she just wasn’t open with them). The ‘One girl against Society’ was hard. The new found care-freeness faded. She was struggling, the last however long of her life had been more of a lie than anything. But, she had to fight this on her own. Though she wasn’t close with God, she still went to youth and church regularly.  One Saturday night, Frank Webber came and talked at her church. Talking about how we should be found in Chris, saying God was our refuge and hiding place. He also took time to pray for her. He saw that she was trying to live up to people’s expectations. How she didn’t want to disappoint anyone.  Another foot hold has slipped. She started to change again, slowly.

There was a problem though, she didn’t let people in. She still needed a friend who she could trust completely. After the feelings of rejection and hurt, it was hard to think in a way that let others in. Yet, right close to the end of 2011 she found that friend. It was a quick friendship, one that started with a few texts. She had found happiness again, at least some of it. The bloom was over and the fall had started.

Thus she entered 2012. And somehow, by the second week, she was confused and feeling alone again. But she went to a different church that Sunday and there she had a new start. No one really knew her there. No inside jokes. There God helped her see what held her back from trusting. She was scared; scared of rejection, scared of losing trust, scared to trust in case she got hurt, scared to admit to being scared.  She told her closet friend this. Letting someone know ended the grip of caring. She had gone through the bud, bloom and fall to discover new life.

This girl in now back to walking with God, with him she is no longer scared. She has hope, love and peace. Yes, there are days where she struggles, days where she feels so alone and lost… Days where she can’t see how anyone puts up with her, where she can’t see her worth.  But she knows she doesn’t need to change to be accepted. I’m now facing this world, not as a one girl revolution anymore, but as a girl who is slowly letting people in.  Heck yes, I struggle some days with being my own person and not letting what those around me say get to me… But I'm on my way. With God by my side, I know I’ll get to the end. Where that is, well that's now the journey I suppose!

Thanks for reading, 

God bless,

Naomi